Customer Rating:  
Summary: Good book to use on well intentioned family and friends
Comment: Everyone has that mom/dad who tells you that they only want the best for you and that is why you should do things just like they tell you to. Everyone has the friend who tells you that you are pretty but could lose some more weight. Everyone has that sibling who tells you how to spend your money and what friends to choose. This book is for them. You want to stand up to them without losing their friendship or hurting their feelings.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Good, but lacking.
Comment: There isn't a human being alive who hasn't, at one time or another, been treated to verbal abuse. Some people are equipped to handle it very well, others are not. But not too many people can say they actually enjoy being verbally abused. THE GENTLE ART OF VERBAL SELF DEFENSE by Suzette Elgin is a good basic starting point in developing your own verbal self defense mechanisms.
Whether your nemesis in verbal abuse is your spouse, your boss, coach, co-worker, etc., this book will give you some insight into hidden signs that a verbal assult is being launched at you. The book succeeds quite well in presenting the reader with catch words and phrases that act as "presuppositions". Elgin's work is on the premise that by identifying the presuppositions and not "taking the bait", the verbal assault can be avoided, or at least defused somewhat.
In that realm, the author does a good job of instructing the reader on what to listen for and how to recognise that an attack is headed your way. However, where the book falls short, is in the authors rather simplistic recommended responses. I believe in today's vernacular (this book was written in 1985), many of the author's suggested responses may even serve to make matters worse.
The author has written subsequent volumes, and perhaps has a more "modern" language version available, but I believe I will pass on further reading of this author. But don't me wrong, if your goal is to begin to develope your verbal self-defense mechanism, this book is a pretty good starting point.
Customer Rating:
Summary: A Mixed Bag: Analysis strong, Implications Weak.
Comment: Professor Elgin does a good job of analyzing verbal insults to reveal the presumptions underlying them, which we often sense but which we are unable to identify. She also rightly explains that responding to the conclusions reached by our adversaries--but ignoring the presumptions--simply impales us more deeply on their verbal hooks. Her suggestions, however, for dealing with these insults are somewhat in error. Her recommendation that we respond to the presumptions is correct, as allowing the verbal abuser to go unchallenged merely sets us up for further insult. What I find troubling, however, is the cheeky and indirect responses she recommends as retorts. The more straightforward of these responses are, it seems to me, appropriate. The more clever, indirect, and inappropriately neutral responses are, however, misguided, as they will ultimately lead to further animosity and serve to embed problematic interpersonal dynamics beneath a veneer of civil insult. Perhaps I would have found her analysis and recommendations more convincing had she systematically substantiated her analysis with references to credible literature. All things considered, I think that the forewarned reader can learn much of value from this book but only if they consider carefully the long-term implications of following her specific recommendations, some of which will be effective, and others of which are, in this reviewer's opinion, cheeky, indirect, unclear, and likely to provoke further insult. Review written by an experienced Professor of Interpersonal Communication Studies.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Worth the read
Comment: The book is worth reading since it highlights the issues of underlying suppositions in a verbal exchange. Focusing on this will surely save much frustration. However I can't say that I have run into any of her 8 standard verbal attacks. The chapters on body languange, as well as gender language styles are all quite dated.
Customer Rating:
Summary: For those who need help in this area, this one is a Winner!
Comment: There are certain members of my family whom I always wanted to avoid. I was not wrong, they are difficult to get along with, but that never made me feel better about myself.
It was an eye-opener to discover that with some few little pointers I could learn to get through a telephone conversation or even a dinner without feeling put-down and without getting successfully baited into a disagreement. And I have had to learn to not expect to feel only two inches tall with some of them!
The best part of her technique is learning to handle the attack without attacking back. Not having to resort to being mean, and not having to participate in any arguments at all. It was so simple that I almost feel stupid for not having been able to figure it out on my own. Now I'm only kind of mad that there are people against whom I might need to defend myself, but it sure helps to know how to do it.
The other great part is that I learned that I also indulged in a little verbal attacking, as well, though, because I had learned it in my family, I did not recognize it as such. After the initial horror at myself I am pleased that I no longer need to do that.
This book may not be needed by everyone, but if you can't understand why you always feel put down or angry around certain people this book will almost definitely help.
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